Sunday, March 5, 2017

Better to walk than swim

Ever tried to walk on water? You might, if you knew what might be lurking, even beckoning, from within your swimming pool.

And I don't mean the chlorine...

Picture this: you're finally on that long-planned, saved-for vacay in the best 5 star hotel on the planet. Why the best hotel? Because you hope to avoid bed bugs, of course. Does it have a swimming pool? Of course! That's another reason why you chose it and dug deeeeep into your kids' college fund to support your lavish vacay. This mega-resort also has a hot tub - a bonus.

So after checking into the Penthouse Suite, you get your Phelps on and trot down to the Olympic-sized sea of pristine azure water, primed with anticipation of the bliss that awaits. No need to shower or anything else. You're potty-trained. With a sigh, your body folds into the welcoming warm water, the closest you can get to a day at the beach. Ahhhhhh...bliss!

Suddenly the urge to pee is tapping you on the shoulder, in the pelvis, and everywhere in between. You can think of nothing else, but the trek back to the room is out of the question. You just got here. You decide to hold it in. Mistake. Pretty soon you can think of nothing else.Your swimming enjoyment is irreversibly interrupted as your bladder threatens to erupt. No one will know if one will know. It's only water. Plus everyone else is doing it sooooo...ahhhhhh...blissssssssss! 

Uh-oh there's more to come and even with all that you've shelled out on this luxury property, you dare not get your money's worth. At least not this way. So swimmus interruptus, you get your Phelphs off mentally and high tail it back to the Penthouse where the porcelain Throne awaits and you can just be you.

Did you know that tests show that hotel pools contain on average 20 gallons of urine? Private home pools weigh in less at around 2 gallons of the yellow stuff. Hot tubs were found to contain even greater concentrations of urine-infestation.

Swim anyone? 

I'll pass

Sunday, February 26, 2017

never met a bedbug I liked

In fact, I've never met a bedbug at all (I think). So why am I so bedbug obsessed? If you have to ask then 

a. you've not ventured anywhere beyond the safe confines of your home since WW1, or
b. travel with your own frequently washed and steamed airplane blanket, or
c. have no television or connectivity to the outside world, or
d. gotten stuck in a hospital, or
e. are just deluding yourself that those mini puncture marks are tattoos

Lucky you! 

Despite their endearing and friendly demeanour (see pic above) these bloodsuckers are anything but. I'm told that with my family history and some unexplained incidents, I'm probably anemic and should avoid the company of vampires and bedbugs so I'm always on the lookout. 

In fact, I bought an apt in a frequently-travelled city so that I could minimise the chance of coming face-to-face or toe-to-toe with one of these 6-legged, antennaed, hairy uninvited intruders. Try as I might to be nicer as I age, I just can't find any useful purpose, spiritual or otherwise, for a bedbug. And I'm doubtful that hours of meditation will change my mind. So I stay in my lane and hold them accountable to do the same. An honour code that has worked so far. I think.