Sunday, March 5, 2017

Better to walk than swim

Ever tried to walk on water? You might, if you knew what might be lurking, even beckoning, from within your swimming pool.

And I don't mean the chlorine...

Picture this: you're finally on that long-planned, saved-for vacay in the best 5 star hotel on the planet. Why the best hotel? Because you hope to avoid bed bugs, of course. Does it have a swimming pool? Of course! That's another reason why you chose it and dug deeeeep into your kids' college fund to support your lavish vacay. This mega-resort also has a hot tub - a bonus.

So after checking into the Penthouse Suite, you get your Phelps on and trot down to the Olympic-sized sea of pristine azure water, primed with anticipation of the bliss that awaits. No need to shower or anything else. You're potty-trained. With a sigh, your body folds into the welcoming warm water, the closest you can get to a day at the beach. Ahhhhhh...bliss!

Suddenly the urge to pee is tapping you on the shoulder, in the pelvis, and everywhere in between. You can think of nothing else, but the trek back to the room is out of the question. You just got here. You decide to hold it in. Mistake. Pretty soon you can think of nothing else.Your swimming enjoyment is irreversibly interrupted as your bladder threatens to erupt. No one will know if one will know. It's only water. Plus everyone else is doing it sooooo...ahhhhhh...blissssssssss! 

Uh-oh there's more to come and even with all that you've shelled out on this luxury property, you dare not get your money's worth. At least not this way. So swimmus interruptus, you get your Phelphs off mentally and high tail it back to the Penthouse where the porcelain Throne awaits and you can just be you.

Did you know that tests show that hotel pools contain on average 20 gallons of urine? Private home pools weigh in less at around 2 gallons of the yellow stuff. Hot tubs were found to contain even greater concentrations of urine-infestation.

Swim anyone? 

I'll pass

Sunday, February 26, 2017

never met a bedbug I liked

In fact, I've never met a bedbug at all (I think). So why am I so bedbug obsessed? If you have to ask then 

a. you've not ventured anywhere beyond the safe confines of your home since WW1, or
b. travel with your own frequently washed and steamed airplane blanket, or
c. have no television or connectivity to the outside world, or
d. gotten stuck in a hospital, or
e. are just deluding yourself that those mini puncture marks are tattoos

Lucky you! 

Despite their endearing and friendly demeanour (see pic above) these bloodsuckers are anything but. I'm told that with my family history and some unexplained incidents, I'm probably anemic and should avoid the company of vampires and bedbugs so I'm always on the lookout. 

In fact, I bought an apt in a frequently-travelled city so that I could minimise the chance of coming face-to-face or toe-to-toe with one of these 6-legged, antennaed, hairy uninvited intruders. Try as I might to be nicer as I age, I just can't find any useful purpose, spiritual or otherwise, for a bedbug. And I'm doubtful that hours of meditation will change my mind. So I stay in my lane and hold them accountable to do the same. An honour code that has worked so far. I think.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Filthy Cell Phones

Could your cell phone really be dirtier than a public toilet? REALLY? 

According to the latest CNN report your cell phone may be dirtier than a public toilet seat because its heat acts as an incubator for germs...Ugh!

Fried brain cells aside, that's another great reason to get those phones off your ear and bluetoothed a safe speaker's distance away. And don't forget to scrub those germy little ears!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Colour my Bog

I can't believe I'm reduced to blogging about this.

For the past 20 years I've been going to the same house for lunch once-a-month - same time, same place every month for 20 years. My brother's house. Like me, he's a compulsive about having things in order. The meal - prepared by him - is usually the same too.

Last week, as usual, I had to grace the loo. I look forward to it. What you need to know is that the loo is fitted out with maroon accessories, everything matching, right down to the toilet paper. But toilet paper doesn't come in maroon, at least not where we live, so he buys pink. Pink toilet paper. For the past 20 years. No surprises there. I got used to it, came to rely on it - even looked forward to it. It became a part of my comfort zone.

Last week he changed the toilet WHITE. No notice, no warning, just changed it. I thought it was dust! I - WAS - TRAUMATISED-D-D-D!!! It kind of broke my momentum if you know what I mean...He said the store ran out of pink. Hmmm... I went on a hunt. 3 days later I'm still looking. Is the whole country out of pink toilet paper? What's a girl to do?!

Options that I'm considering:
1. moving to a different country
2. eating at a hotel/restaurant where they have pink toilet paper
3. getting over it

in that order

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Sexy Sassy Salsa!

"1-2-3 boongie boongie boongie!!! Ready to work your boongie?"

That's the opening cry of our Salsa instructor - she's the best - go Maydi! - a call to battle - a warning that you are about to enter a relentless foray into the dance. Except it's no ordinary dance. It's a jammm. A jam to the hot, frenzied latin beat, a rhythmic pulse you won't want to end. 5 sexy sassy steps to freedom! A more fun way to burn off those pesky calories you won't find. Our motley crew gathers in Paradise (Paradise Island) winding and shaking our boongies into the wee hours. For those of you who are not born Bahamian, a "boongie" is, more-than-generous, protrusion at the rear  - your rear...end...your "butt" in street parlance. After a drop dead night of steppin' and shakin', the departing boongies tend to be smaller than when they arrived :-) That's the whole idea. I never thought keeping fit could be so much fun:-) "1-2-3 boongie boongie boongie!!!"

Friday, February 11, 2011

A Free Egypt?

As of today a dictator is gone. A short 18 day journey to liberation. Whatever the future holds, this is a day for rejoicing for all that it symbolises. There is no real life without freedom. Without freedom there is no hope. Without freedom there is no purpose except to pursue freedom and we take on the spectre of soulless bodies moving like ghosts toward a resigned end, a purposeless end. 

We hope for nothing short of a truly free Egypt while keeping an eye on its neighbours...

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Happy Birthday Pause...

Frig-the-dirt takes time out today to send happy birthday wishes to favourite son, Seve Williams, on his 23rd birthday. Thx thx thx to Seve for introducing me to childbirth all those many years ago. Thx also for paving the way for Tatum to follow. And thx for being so cute and clean - Frig-the-dirt looooves clean. See what I mean? Wow!